Warning: this is literally the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever written and I’m aware it probably makes very little sense. You’re welcome. Don’t ask me if I proof-read this because *cough* I didn’t *cough*.
So, I’ve been on my summer holiday since the end of June. The end of summer is rapidly approaching and I feel as though I haven’t exactly spent my time very wisely, however, at the same time, I know that, following two intense years of A levels, actually, I really needed and deserved a break (and yes, by break I mean spending three weeks straight in bed watching various shitty TV shows on Netflix that got cancelled after their second season). Anyway, that’s not the point of this post.
I feel as though I not only haven’t taken advantage of my seemingly endless time, but I’ve also totally taken for granted the fact that I have had very little (besides trivial things) to stress/worry/feel anxious about. It is only now my summer is rapidly coming to a close that it’s hit me that soon (the 7th of September, to be precise), I will be starting at a new college with new people and have plenty of responsibilities and literally a million other things to worry and stress about. This has made me realise that we never ever seem to appreciate what we have when we have it. This entire summer seems to have consisted of me being worried about something or stressing my entire ARSE off about something else but, really, they were totally insignificant things, and I should have appreciated my lack of responsibilities while I could because, let’s be honest here, this was probably my last summer of enjoying myself and not having to stress about anything. I’m almost 19 now and next summer will be spent worrying about planning for university (if I even get in… haha. ha. ha).
I think we waste too much of our energy and time worrying about things that, realistically, need not be worried about. I know this is a redundant thing to say and that me saying it will make absolutely no difference, but it’s an observation I’ve made. For example, I have been so looking forward to art college for god knows how long, but now that I’ve been set a summer project and been told that I have to present it to my entire group ON THE FIRST DAY OF TERM, I’m filled with dread and frankly regret that I even signed up to go to college. (Please note that I have a deathly fear of public speaking.) The rational side of me is thinking that this is ridiculous, that everyone will be equally as nervous as me and that my work will be kick-ass and I will present it like a queen and even if I don’t, people won’t judge me because they’ll be more worried about having to present their own work. However, the anxious you’re-a-piece-of-shit self doubting side of me is thinking the worst; that I’ll go bright red (side note: this happens to me if I so much as smile at a stranger in the street, so why I’m worrying about the inevitable is beyond me. Also, it’s just a colour on my face. WHO FUCKING CARES? (hint: me)), stutter, choke on my own saliva (this has happened before), maybe even VOMIT, speak ugly-ly (not a word, I know) (maybe I should stop using so many brackets); what if people think I’m annoying and awful and hate me (thanks to the people who bullied me for 5+ years pals loving this lack of self esteem) and oh god maybe my work is terrible and I will never be even a half decent artist and WHY DID I CHOOSE TO TAKE ART MAYBE I WAS DESTINED TO BE A LAWYER. WHY DID I NOT STUDY LAW AT UNIVERSITY. OR MEDICINE. EVEN THOUGH I GOT A U IN TWO OF MY GCSE PHYSICS EXAMS. Anyway, you get my drift. It’s totally irrational, but, regardless, I will think it. And more.
The worst thing is that after I’ve finished presenting my work, yes, I’ll be slightly het up and probably shaking and out of breath, but I will realise that it really wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it out to be. And then I will be wracked with guilt, feeling terrible that I spent so much time worrying about something that really was only a tiny speck in my entire life that I doubt I’ll even remember in 10 years. While I know that comparing your problems to other people’s is unhealthy and frankly not a sensible thing to do, I can’t help but think that my worries are so trivial compared to others’. Surely the fact that I have the time and energy to worry so much about something like a presentation or how big my hips are or whether my library books are overdue shows that I live a very privileged and lucky life? Or is this me belittling myself? As an anxiety sufferer, it’s not as though I can help what I feel anxious about, but at the same time I always realise how silly they are when the worries are resolved. Is it unfair of me to worry about seemingly insignificant things, even if they seem significant to me at the time? Am I being selfish?
I’m really not sure what I’m trying to get across in this article, other than [Lindsay Lohan voice] word vomit. I’m spewing this dribble out of my brain in the hope that maybe it will make me feel marginally better. I wish that it would make me stop worrying all the time, but I know it won’t. I know I’ll wake up tomorrow worrying about another thing and having a plethora of other things to worry about by the end of next week. Now I’m literally worrying about the fact that I shouldn’t be worrying about all of these things. Anyway, what I think I’m trying to say is that… wait, let’s compile a bullet-pointed list.
- What you’re worrying about will probably be resolved/over soon and you need to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself.
- Even if you think your worries are inconsequential, you’re entitled to feel worried about them, whatever they are.
- Take advantage of time you have during which you have very little to worry and stress about. You will regret it if you don’t!!!
- Never compare yourself or the things you stress about to others. This is unhealthy in every capacity and everyone thinks and functions differently.
- EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. I PROMISE. NOW GO AND MAKE YOURSELF YOUR FAVOURITE HOT BEVERAGE AND WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES WITH A LARGE SLICE OF BANOFFEE PIE.